The following question was sent to Extended Family by a woman who wants to help her friends. Can you give her some suggestions by adding a comment to this post?
"My concern is a family that consists of a father and three small children who are on the outside. The young mother in this family is incarcerated in a state prison and is expected to be there for a very long time (12-20 years). This young mother wants the support of her family and I want her expectations to become reasonable.
The family wants to cut back to visits once a week and she wants more. Her parents are aging and she is dissappointed that they too won't change their schedules and make more frequent visits. I am sensitive to her feelings, but the time is hers to do, not directly theirs.
I look forward to whatever insight you might have."
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As an ex-convict, I experienced firsthand the "inside" view of visits from the family to the one incarcerated. Visits lightened my attitude, strengthened my Hope, solidified my focus on doing what I'm supposed to do, one-day-at-a-time, to be ready to go home, basically "took the edge off" of the harsh enviroment in which I placed myself. I witnessed the incessant demands (for money, visits, what THEY are supposed to do "out there", sometimes quite emphatic and mean) placed upon wives, parents, friends from the selfish/self-centered convicts. And i concluded (and practiced this with my family for the 6 years I was in) that I must live my life IN there (where I placed myself), and my family must live their life OUT there (where they have properly kept themselves).
ReplyDeleteSo, let the loved ones visit according to THEIR schedule, finances, time-frame, etc., NOT the convict's schedule.....The struggle is in living life, NOT being in prison, as the freedom for decisions are in the family's hands, not the convict’s. The convict lost this freedom when he/she made decisions leading to incarceration. This is part of the punishment. The convict is not in a position to make demands: it's one of the first things Corrections Personnel "teach" the new convict.
All of the "good" convicts I met in prison were of one accord on this matter: Do NOT let the selfish/self-centered convict dictate matters of the family who are on the "outside", including the frequency or time-frame of visits. The convict should be grateful for ANY support given from those that love him/her (money, visits), as many family members (and spouses) give up on them, especially if the length of sentence is long. “Cut back” visits to “Once a week”? The most my family had an opportunity to visit was once every 2 weeks, for about 4 hours. I would have LOVED visits once a week for the 6 years I was in, but you know what? My family would have had (and did have) many other functions to attend on certain weekends than to show up at the prison. Daughter’s had football games, dates, outings with friends, summer camps, proms, visits to Grandmother’s, homework, going off to college, traveling, not to mention all of the stuff my wife had to attend to….in other words – LIFE! My family was “out there” doing what I SHOULD have been doing – Living life.
My opinion: once a week visits seem more than plenty , especially from a father with three small children who has been thrust into the position of assuming the additional task of being a “mother” to their kids, as well as continue with his role as father and now, SOLE financial provider for the family. The stress on the father is beyond description – Let the convict assist their family in anyway possible, and on the subject of visits, allowing the family members total and complete autonomy, both in number and frequency of those visits.
I am, Jerry Clemons, ADOC ex-convict.